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Cinekuest Presents a Ballistic Break Dance Fight Night Featuring Marko Mark and Lou Diamond Phillips in The Big HitThis John Woo adjacent flophouse special with a dash of Wesley Snipes as a producer is definitely not worth watching for the star, the Wallbangerberg. In this flick, he is completely overshadowed by the true star of La Bamba fame–Lou Diamond Phillips. He has the love for you, baby, with a goatee truly manicured to hell, rendering Roland’s jokes about Daniel’s mustache moot (Qapla’!)! Melvin Smiley is a soft-spoken, redheaded heartthrob with six-pack formed by years of mastering hand-to-hand combat and gymnastics with two ladies and is a complete pushover people-pleaser. Did we mention he’s also a contract killer? Probably should have led with that. How one can be all these things at once is a true symptom of a recently discovered illness medical researchers call Whatthefuckwerethewritersthinkingitis, but that’s what the action and comedy is for and there is a metric fuckload of it! Most of it is brought by Lou Diamond Fucking Phillips overacting an already over-the-top personality as Melly’s buddy/coworker/loveable cutthroat bastardo Cisco. He’s like a cross between a mariachi hip-hop star and Yakuza underling which is fucking hilarious. Anywhatsits, MelloMark is just tryna get paid and laid while surrounded by his seemingly utterly mundane home life. Between Chantel, his gold digger side piece, constantly blue ball bashing him for bills and his actual fiance’ Christina Goddamn Applegate tossing his savings down the drain leaving Smiles a financial shithouse. Cisco the absolute angel swoops in to save the day for Melvy, taking a “huge risk” offering his brochacho (the MVP of their hit squad) a non-union sanctioned job. That’s what he do ‘cuz he gots so much love for you, BAYBEE. How could this possibly get any better for the Marksman? He doesn’t deserve friends like that. Then things get fucking stupid–stupid awesome. Join Rey, Roland, and Daniel as we argue over why Young Guns is one of best BRAT PACK westerns of ALL TIME.
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